My new pillow! (and a bunch of personal stuff)

I absolutely LOVE this thing.  It's more comfortable than my regular pillow, and I can listen to my choice of nighttime sounds without having them blaring from some speaker across the room.

I will admit that I did stick to Harry Potter the first time I tried it, because it was what I was used to and I was too wiped out (I have a cold) to test the CDs I got with it.  My husband tried one called "Cat Nap", and despite his initial amusement at the sort of hypnosis aspect of it, found it working on him.  He and I have both ALWAYS said that we could never be hypnotized (I still don't think I can, because I'm very contrary by nature), but after using "Cat Nap," he wasn't so sure about himself anymore.  At any rate, he slept well, I slept well, and a happy night was had by all.  I'll give him a noodge to post about "Cat Nap" himself over on his blog.

This isn't related to the insomnia or tinnitus thing, but I just had to report (because I've talked to some people who swing by this blog, even if you haven't officially joined) that, shockingly, I was awarded Social Security Disability Insurance on Friday.  I have been trying for ten years to get Social Security to understand that if I COULD work, I WOULD work, but due to a lot of psychological problems that cropped up starting around twelve years ago, I can't.  It was hard enough for me to even ask for help and admit that I wasn't capable of working anymore, because I've had a job of one sort or another since I was seven years old.  To hit my early thirties and suddenly become, to MY eyes, useless, was devastating to me, and even worse when I couldn't get anyone other than my psychiatrists and my therapist (and my former, late boss) to believe me.  My husband was a rock, of course, and my family stood by me, too.  However, the government did not.  I went through their process without legal aid and tried my best to explain rationally what had happened to me.  Obviously, I was a bit TOO rational, because they concluded that, although I was clearly too impaired to do the job I had, I could find another one that would better suit my adjusted abilities.  Um, no.  All that happened was I got worse and worse and beat myself up all the more for having failed, and started questioning my own judgment.  I got angry with myself for not being able to "shake it off" or "let it go," as so MANY people told me I should.  I withdrew from society more all the time and lost almost all joy in life as my ability to read and write quickly and well began to slip away.  I lost my focus on everything.  Even now, I forget things that happened a day or two ago, and I have very little sense of time.  It's almost like a peek into dementia:  I still have memories of my childhood that feel like yesterday, but ask me about a film I watched last week, and it's not even there.  Not a frame.  This kind of life is a bit of a comedown for someone for whom everything came so EASILY.  I never had to study.  I never had to be shown how to do something more than once.  I did not make mistakes.  I guess it would've been easier on me if I had forgotten how well my mind USED to work, but I didn't.  I knew everything I'd lost, everything I'd taken for granted that was now gone.  I didn't know what I was going to do, because with my husband on disability already, money was flying out WAY faster than it came in, no matter what expenses we cut.

And now, I caught a break.  My mind hasn't quite accepted it yet.  It's been, oh, around two years now of waiting for the sword of Damocles to fall on my head, and I guess a couple of days of it no longer being there isn't enough for me to believe that my day-to-day life isn't filled with impending doom.  I can't relax yet.  Something in my head has been changed by many (more than just the last two, which have been the worst) years of constant stress and anxiety, and I suppose it's stupid to think it'll go away overnight.

And this will sound REALLY idiotic, and most of you will think I'm full of crap, but at night, which is when most of my nattering nabobs (swiped from a lovely person over on insomnialand.com) come out to torture me, I can snuggle into my pillow, listen to soothing sounds, and for real, for HOURS, sleep.  Now I need to work on my WAKING hours.

Going to sleep now.  Best of health to you and your families,

InsomniAmy

Happy Halloween!

Normally, I LOVE Halloween, because it means I get to run around spraying fake blood everywhere and scaring the pants off of tweens.  I don't frighten little kids on purpose, because 1. It's too easy, and 2. It's mean! But once you hit eight or nine, you're fair game.  I particularly like "getting" kids who think they're too old/cool to be frightened, because guess what, kiddos:  You're not.

Sadly, I won't be doing that this year, because of financial constraints as well as the fact that we're preparing to move by the end of the year.  We're moving to a much smaller place up north that won't have room for our MANY props, both homemade and purchased, so we've sold and ditched just about everything by now.  I also didn't really have time to make new stuff, like tombstones, which are relatively easy but still take several days to get a decent amount ready, and that foam board has gotten really pricey.  Our old tombstones are ready for the bin.  They last a long time if you make them right!  I got about ten years' use out of those, with only minor touch-ups to the paint.  But anyway, we're more or less broke, so we'll be hiding at home eating popcorn and watching our extensive horror movie collection.  I hate disappointing the neighborhood (we ARE known as "the Halloween House," but that's just not an option this year.

I realize this post has nothing to do with insomnia or tinnitus, so I should probably get to those.  I got about an hour's sleep this morning, and that was it.  My husband, however, slept like a very snorey baby due to his Sleepsonic pillow and Hemi-Sync CD (I'm not sure which CD he used last night, but it sounded kind of like  gentle music and rain).  Though I am admittedly jealous of his special pillow and CDs, I am VERY glad he slept, because his tinnitus was driving him crazy yesterday with a new temporary tone.  He should have a new post up on his blog at some point today.  He wants me to edit it first.  

I can only tell you what I've learned about tinnitus and my own very mild case--he can tell you how it feels to have tinnitus (and the accompanying headaches) take away your life.  All I can tell you is that it is absolutely horrible to have the person you love more than life in such terrible pain and torture and there being NOTHING you can do about it.  Imagine it as a terminal cancer that NEVER ends (I am NOT being unfeeling here--I've nursed someone through terminal cancer, too).  The agony just goes on and on.  I was one of those teenagers who listened to music too loud, rested against the speakers at concerts, and laughed about how muffled my hearing was the next day.  I no longer find that kind of thing amusing.  My husband and I both had convertibles and listened to industrial music at a ridiculous volume to balance out the sound of the wind whipping by.  We did all these things without a second thought.  

Now, my husband and I are attempting to learn basic sign language, using DVDs we borrow from the library, because his hearing is starting to fade, overwhelmed by the roaring noise in his brain.  My mom has flash cards and is already way ahead of us, which shows what a loving, kind person she is.  She started learning about a year ago.  

I don't feel too exhausted right now, though with all the work I have ahead of me today, I realize I'll crash at some point, and I'm probably not in any condition to drive.  Good thing my HUSBAND slept, because we need, at the very least, cat food.

For some reason, we have become the Cat Club of the neighborhood.  TEN CATS were on our porch alone yesterday, and there were a bunch more in the yard.  We really cannot afford to feed all these guys, and I know if I called animal control, the cats and kittens would be dead in a week, but I don't know what to do!  I wish people would spay or neuter their pets, like I do.  There are inexpensive clinics available all the time, and if I had the money, that's exactly what I'd do with all these guys who show up starving on my porch, then adopt them out.  I joke about sports cars and castles as my "Lotto Dream," but animal rescue is where my heart is.

Well, I think that's enough about me for today.  Hope you enjoy Halloween (if you celebrate it), and if you're too old to trick-or-treat, get dressed up and scare someone (but not in a mean way)!  Please check Beat-Tinnitus later on today, as he will have a new post, and don't hesitate to contact either of us if you have questions about how we cope, the products we use, or hey, just who we are.

Wishing good health to you and your family,

InsomniAmy

Yes, I know it's about 3 a.m. my time...

...but I'm feeling pretty good.  I slept for hours, curled up against my husband, resting my head on his chest. He was using his pillow (Sleepsonic, if you haven't been paying attention, check the only banners I've got here) with a white-noise/pink-noise (I can't really tell the difference, but HE can) track playing over and over, and that combined with his steady heartbeat was exceptionally calming.  What am I, a puppy?  A fetus?

It doesn't matter; I SLEPT.  I still need more, and I'm going to go back there (if I can do it without waking him up) soon, but I wanted to share this wonderful moment with you.  This is the first time in days I've rested without nightmares, not awakened in a cold sweat, just...peaceful.  I know at least ONE of my regular readers knows what a maniac I am, and peaceful is not my normal state of being, but wow, I like it.

Please get here, my pillow.  I really need a lot more of this.  I honestly can't remember the last time I woke up at (I know, still not really an acceptable time of day) 3 a.m. and felt okay about everything.  All my problems and work I have ahead of me seems not only doable,  they sound positively simple.  I know when I finally put down this little electronic time thief and try to sleep again, I will.  I know I'll accomplish whatever I set out to do to(day)morrow.

Optimism.  From me.  Enjoy it while you see it, folks.  I know I do.

Since I DID mention the pillow, and I still owe some people who've written me privately some answers, here they are:  

1. it is super-easy to use.  You can plug it into a computer, CD player, MP3 player--anything with a mini-jack.  It's got an extender cord that makes it EASY.  

2.  My husband, at least (check the Beat-Tinnitus link at the top of the blog), has been using this for a month and generally sleeps like a baby.  For those of you with a baby, well, he sleeps like a baby on bourbon, okay?  (kidding, kidding, not endorsing the use of alcohol on children, nor do we imbibe it ourselves) 

3.  The speakers CAN be cranked up loud enough to be heard across the room, but most people certainly won't need it at that level.  Even at the relatively loud volume my very hard-of-hearing husband needs, they sound no louder than his hearing aid's maskers to me across the room, so for spouses and significant others, this should be a CLEAR improvement over, say, a radio or television playing at some godawful volume all night.  As a result of the pillow, my tinnitus has retreated back to its tolerable level, only really bothersome in a silent room.  I've never been able to sleep in a silent place anyway, so the slight hiss I hear when I'm not literally on top of him is just fine.  And remember, his tinnitus is catastrophic, so chances are most people with tinnitus won't need it this loud, and most of you non-sufferers won't hear the pillow at all.

4.  We've been using the pillow for I guess about a month now, and it's holding up just fine.  If anything starts showing wear, I'll let you know immediately, because I realize these things aren't exactly a small investment, given most people's financial situation, especially if (like us), you're on disability.

So, thus far, my overall rating is an A.  My husband and I have a couple of suggestions for the mini-pillow design and Hemi-Sonic (they do the CDs), but they're really minor.  If you're not sure which pillow or discs to get, the people at the companies are SUPER helpful and DO understand peoples' individual sleeping problems.  It's such a nice change from doctors, who simply want to drug you into a stupor (and add up the cost of all THAT medication, not to mention the physical damage they can do to you) and get you out of the office so they can keep that cattle-run moving.

Don't mean to sound preachy or like I'm doing a sales pitch, but I've just been THROUGH all the medications--trust me, ALL of them--and just a few hours' of snuggling with my husband and listening to his pillow has been better than any drug-induced sleep I've had in years.  Time to get back to it.

Good health to you and your families as always, and for once from me, a smile :) ,

InsomniAmy

Horrible Nightmarish Insomnia for nights and nights

Unfortunately, those who read (or just stop by), I've been having an incredibly difficult time getting real sleep over the past few days.  Now, this isn't anything particularly new--I mean, I AM more or less a lifelong insomniac--but the few minutes I've managed to grab during the socially appropriate hours have been more like delusions, raging out of control and leaving me unrested and thoroughly, well, frightened.

This is not helping my depression.  The audiobooks that I listen to (I've always needed some sort of sound to help me sleep) are bleeding into my subconscious and messing with my tenuous hold on dream-sleep.  I am very much looking forward to getting my own Sleepsonic pillow and the sleep CDs from Hemi-Sync, because I know they help my husband and, having tried his, do believe they will help me.  But for now, night time is the right time...for self-inflicted subconscious torture.

Most of you don't know me well, but I have one hell of a lot going on in my life right now.  A few of you know that I'm relocating (hallelujah) out of the Bible Belt and back to the Northeast, not quite where I was born, but close to where I spent my first 27 years of life.  My last going-on-fifteen years here have not been without their charms, but there are too many tragic events and lost loved ones haunting me here, and not...well, not much of a support group.  I've always been "different;" I've known that since elementary school, and it stands out a bit more down here than it does in a more metropolitan area.

So:  I try to focus on the good things.  One of my many dogs has far outlived our expectations and doesn't show any signs of slowing down.  My mind is functioning (albeit sporadically) better than it has in years.  We are making slow progress (y'know, when you do have actual physical and psychological disabilities, it DOES affect your ability to work) getting ready to leave, but any progress is good at this point.  I'm hoping to be up North by the (love-hate) Xmas season, simply because I do not want to be a resident here for 2012.  

It isn't really anything in particular against the state, nor the people, because if you travel enough, people are more or less the same wherever you go, if you're really paying attention.  But I'm tired of not having family.  I miss my best friend, who loves me despite all our years apart and all the times I was not physically able to be there for her.  Above all, I want to spend time with my parents, because time is a big loud ticking clock in my head, counting down the moments to when I will no longer be able to run across the street or pick up the phone and speak with the people I love and who love me unconditionally.  I keep a tight circle, and it shrinks every year.  I don't make friends easily.  I am not easy to love.  I have my good points, but who the hell wants to hear me talk about why I'm cool?  Ultimately, I have let myself down throughout life, and I am spending the rest of it (have been for a while now) trying to make up for all the evil I have done.  Funny, you'd think I'd be religious, and searching for some kind of penitence, but it has nothing to do with that.  I have a very strong internal sense of what is right and what is wrong, and I never (honestly) forgive myself for making the wrong choices.

I know this has been an odd entry, but as I prefaced it, I haven't been sleeping worth a damn.  That invariably makes me more self-reflective and, yeah, mean to myself.  I'm not a real peach to live with, either.  But at least I try to make up for those little slips.

I do know that I owe some people posts/emails, and I will catch up this week.  I simply want to wait until I can give useful and objective answers, and not so much of the loony-bin rambling you might've just finished reading.

Things have to get better.  They just have to.

Wishing good health to you and your families (as always),

InsomniAmy

post-script:  I'd like to thank those of you who have followed the link to my husband's blog.  He is an absolutely lovely person and much much nicer than I am.   Better than I deserve, really, but somehow he wanted me anyway.  He is my rock.

As usual, I'm tired.

But there's a good reason this time! Last post, I was blogging about moving furniture and stuff, but what I didn't mention was that I tried to move a sofa-bed by myself. So. Really bright. Within a few days, I'd managed to sprain my left ankle, my right wrist, I have a bad knee anyway (yay, genetics!), and now, I'd pulled a muscle in my back.

Now, muscle relaxers and pain-killers do help you sleep, but it's not a natural, restful sleep at all. It's more like being hit over the head with a ball-peen hammer. I didn't dream, I didn't feel rested when I finally regained consciousness, and had a horrible headache to go along with the backache.

Wait a minute. Didn't I say I wasn't going to complain? Okay, just one more thing: I have a cold. But I'm making progress! I'm now active on G+ and looking for other insomniacs willing to share their stories. I tweaked this blog a bit, which put the dates all out of whack, but I can handle that.

You might also notice that I put a couple of links for Hemi-Sync and Sleepsonic on here. That's because my husband is using their products right now, and he is finally getting the six to eight hours of sleep he needs. I'm waiting for my pillow to arrive (it's really cool--it has speakers in it, but you can't even feel them) so I can use the discs I need. Since he's kept awake by tinnitus and I'm kept awake by my ceaseless internal babbling (my mind likes to review current and past events when I try to sleep and will not shut up), the same sounds don't work for both of us. Mine does nothing for him, and his drive me insane.

That's the good thing about the pillows. Before he got his pillow, we had to have audiobooks playing all night long through our Bose at a volume that was uncomfortable to me. I didn't realize it was happening at first, but my headaches started getting worse and more frequent during the day, and I was certainly getting even less sleep at night. One day, I realized that the soft, almost electronic whine I hear all day was louder than usual. And once I noticed that, it started getting worse. I had to deal with the fact that what we were doing to try and help my husband sleep was beginning to hurt me. I didn't want to tell him, because he feels guilty enough about being disabled by his tinnitus and headaches.

So, I started creeping downstairs in the middle of the night and sleeping on the couch. Unfortunately, he'd almost immediately notice I was missing and come to get me. Finally, I had to tell him what was going on. He tried headphones (too uncomfortable) and ear buds (they fall out) and even leaving his hearing aid maskers on all night (they'd also fall off, and if they get sweaty, they stop working), but nothing else worked. I started looking for an alternative, and with a great deal of help from the owner/inventor of the Sleepsonic pillows, I found one.

My husband put the sounds that work for him on his iPod. The pillow plugs right into it--it even has an extension cord so the iPod can sit on the bedside table and out of harm's way. I'll let him tell you about HIS experience with the pillow and sounds (check his website), but my experience was miraculous. I couldn't hear the sounds from his pillow at all. Though my insomnia is still a problem for now, my tinnitus faded over the weeks to almost nothing. Listening to my husband's deep breathing as he slept was almost as good as sleeping myself. I am so happy for him. I know we still have a long way to go before there is a cure for tinnitus (they're doing studies in Oslo and Germany right now involving the vagus nerve that's almost a "reset" switch for certain brain functions, and they're working at the human test subject level now, and things are looking good), but getting sleep helps him with his anxiety, depression, and overall malaise. He is much more the man I married fifteen years ago than the man I've been worrying about 24/7 for the past five or six years.

Whew, think that's enough for one day.

Good health to you and your families, and until next time, I am:
InsomniAmy

Though this blog will be updated regularly, you can find me elsewhere:
@InsomniAmy on Twitter; Insomni Amy on Facebook; InsomniAmy on G+; private questions can be directed to InsomniAmy@gmail.com (please be patient while waiting for a personal reply, though!)

I should be tired...

I worked really hard today (moving furniture and boxes from one part of the house to another), and only had two hours' sleep last night.  I know what kept me up last night:  this blog.  I had to set up everything here and get at least a ghost of a presence on Facebook and Twitter.  However, the best place to reach me is right here on Blogspot.


But why can't I sleep tonight, again?!


A bunch of questions for my as-of-yet nonexistent readers (you'll get here; I just know it):  What exactly keeps you awake?  A song that won't leave your mind?  Worrying about the state of your finances?  Those pointless little thoughts that just won't shut up?  A snoring bed-partner?  Instant nightmares?  


There are so many things that keep me awake, it's as though they're taking turns.  I also wonder who else out there is grateful for what they've taken to be a bit of sleep, only to look at the clock and find three minutes have passed.  Have you ever counted down the moments you have left to lie awake in bed before you've got to get up and be functional for work/school/your kids?  Have you ever "accidentally" nudged/coughed your partner awake because you've been staring at the ceiling for hours and you're feeling lonely?


I have listened to many audiobooks in an attempt to drift off, because in general, my taste in music isn't exactly soothing.  When I was a kid, I fell asleep to recordings of "Lights Out", "Inner Sanctum", "The Shadow", "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" and dozens of other absolutely wonderful radio broadcasts from my father's childhood.  As a child, that worked just fine.  I could replay the episode the next day and catch up on what I'd missed.  


However, as an adult (and former writer), audiobooks just don't do it.  I've listened to the entire unabridged Harry Potter series (snigger if you will) dozens of times, and that's sort of the problem.  I've gone beyond the point of enjoying Rowling's storytelling ability (her strong suit) and, depending on which version I've chosen, Jim Dale's characterizations and generally skillful performances.  At this point, I could probably write a book about all the subplots, hidden messages, life stories of the lesser characters, as well as wincing every time I hear the single incident where reader Jim Dale mispronounces "apoplectic."*  Now, that sort of thought process, even to me, seems a bit...crazy.
* No, I will NOT tell you when he mispronounces it.  My obsession is bad enough!


Yes, I have tried white noise machines.  I can generally hear precisely where the cycle ends, and my yappy little brain anticipates the moment and will not let me relax.  To make matters worse, I can't simply have silence.  My mild tinnitus is irritating enough, but my husband's catastrophic case of the same makes a quiet room downright painful for him.  You can read his story, which he'll tell at his own pace (and  probably in a much more organized manner than my ramblings) over on beat-tinnitus.blogspot.com.


As always, feel free to submit your comments below.


Good health to you and your families, and until next time, I am:
InsomniAmy


Though this blog will be updated regularly, you can find me elsewhere:
@InsomniAmy on Twitter; Insomni Amy on Facebook; InsomniAmy on G+; private questions can be directed to InsomniAmy@gmail.com (please be patient while waiting for a personal reply, though!)

Well, I guess I should get started...

Welcome to anyone who has stumbled across my brand-new blog.  I haven't had a blog in quite some time, so forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.


First off, I am not going to be one of those people who uses the blog to whine about Starbucks not getting my tea the way I like it or what I'll do "when" I win the lottery.  I'm actually being pretty serious about this stuff--not that I'm humorless--but insomnia and tinnitus are two subjects near and dear to my heart and head, and I'd just like to accomplish a few things with this blog:  I want people out there who are going through either or both of these problems to know that they're not alone; I need a place to talk about my own personal experiences dealing with doctors and health care and that whole system; and mainly, I want...no, I hope, that I can really help some people out there dealing with these issues.


Because, you see, the situation isn't hopeless.  Not by a long shot.  Prepare for a lot of information, kind readers, and please feel free to participate in the discussion.  I don't know EVERYTHING.  I don't have all the answers.  I'm simply starting to see a shimmer of light in the distance after a very long, dark, back-breaking hike through the proverbial tunnel.  If you decide to continue with me, you'll quickly realize I'm not one of those yippy-skippy perpetually upbeat sort of people.  I'm a realist.  I'm a tough cookie, and I am hard to convince.  And yet...for the first time in ten years, things are starting to look up, because I managed to wade through the muck and found what I believe to be a pristine rose.


This is going to just be a short introductory post, because I've been up all night working this stuff out in multiple locations in preparation for the big "launch."  No, I am not a business owner.  I do not have a miracle drug that's going to magically make everything perfect.  But if you're here, you've got to at least be near the same boat I'm in.  Stick with me a while.  I will explain everything.


All right, last bit for now:  If you are one of the very many people suffering from tinnitus, or know someone suffering from tinnitus, please visit my husband's site:   BEAT-TINNITUS. I'm the one with chronic insomnia; I've had it for approximately twenty-five years. He is the one with catastrophic tinnitus and intractable headaches (don't worry if you don't quite understand that terminology yet; he will explain everything) that have left him unable to work or even function normally on a daily basis.  Our stories do overlap, but we each have our own perspective on how these things all go hand-in-hand-in-hand.


I do hope you'll join us on our introspective journeys.  Some things will shock you, some things might make you cry, but our ultimate goal, both of us, is to make life easier for people who simply do not know where to turn.


Good health to you and your families, and until next time, I am:
InsomniAmy 
Though this blog will be updated regularly, you can find me elsewhere:
@InsomniAmy on Twitter; Insomni Amy on Facebook; InsomniAmy on G+; private questions can be directed to InsomniAmy@gmail.com.