Horrible Nightmarish Insomnia for nights and nights

Unfortunately, those who read (or just stop by), I've been having an incredibly difficult time getting real sleep over the past few days.  Now, this isn't anything particularly new--I mean, I AM more or less a lifelong insomniac--but the few minutes I've managed to grab during the socially appropriate hours have been more like delusions, raging out of control and leaving me unrested and thoroughly, well, frightened.

This is not helping my depression.  The audiobooks that I listen to (I've always needed some sort of sound to help me sleep) are bleeding into my subconscious and messing with my tenuous hold on dream-sleep.  I am very much looking forward to getting my own Sleepsonic pillow and the sleep CDs from Hemi-Sync, because I know they help my husband and, having tried his, do believe they will help me.  But for now, night time is the right time...for self-inflicted subconscious torture.

Most of you don't know me well, but I have one hell of a lot going on in my life right now.  A few of you know that I'm relocating (hallelujah) out of the Bible Belt and back to the Northeast, not quite where I was born, but close to where I spent my first 27 years of life.  My last going-on-fifteen years here have not been without their charms, but there are too many tragic events and lost loved ones haunting me here, and not...well, not much of a support group.  I've always been "different;" I've known that since elementary school, and it stands out a bit more down here than it does in a more metropolitan area.

So:  I try to focus on the good things.  One of my many dogs has far outlived our expectations and doesn't show any signs of slowing down.  My mind is functioning (albeit sporadically) better than it has in years.  We are making slow progress (y'know, when you do have actual physical and psychological disabilities, it DOES affect your ability to work) getting ready to leave, but any progress is good at this point.  I'm hoping to be up North by the (love-hate) Xmas season, simply because I do not want to be a resident here for 2012.  

It isn't really anything in particular against the state, nor the people, because if you travel enough, people are more or less the same wherever you go, if you're really paying attention.  But I'm tired of not having family.  I miss my best friend, who loves me despite all our years apart and all the times I was not physically able to be there for her.  Above all, I want to spend time with my parents, because time is a big loud ticking clock in my head, counting down the moments to when I will no longer be able to run across the street or pick up the phone and speak with the people I love and who love me unconditionally.  I keep a tight circle, and it shrinks every year.  I don't make friends easily.  I am not easy to love.  I have my good points, but who the hell wants to hear me talk about why I'm cool?  Ultimately, I have let myself down throughout life, and I am spending the rest of it (have been for a while now) trying to make up for all the evil I have done.  Funny, you'd think I'd be religious, and searching for some kind of penitence, but it has nothing to do with that.  I have a very strong internal sense of what is right and what is wrong, and I never (honestly) forgive myself for making the wrong choices.

I know this has been an odd entry, but as I prefaced it, I haven't been sleeping worth a damn.  That invariably makes me more self-reflective and, yeah, mean to myself.  I'm not a real peach to live with, either.  But at least I try to make up for those little slips.

I do know that I owe some people posts/emails, and I will catch up this week.  I simply want to wait until I can give useful and objective answers, and not so much of the loony-bin rambling you might've just finished reading.

Things have to get better.  They just have to.

Wishing good health to you and your families (as always),

InsomniAmy

post-script:  I'd like to thank those of you who have followed the link to my husband's blog.  He is an absolutely lovely person and much much nicer than I am.   Better than I deserve, really, but somehow he wanted me anyway.  He is my rock.

I should be tired...

I worked really hard today (moving furniture and boxes from one part of the house to another), and only had two hours' sleep last night.  I know what kept me up last night:  this blog.  I had to set up everything here and get at least a ghost of a presence on Facebook and Twitter.  However, the best place to reach me is right here on Blogspot.


But why can't I sleep tonight, again?!


A bunch of questions for my as-of-yet nonexistent readers (you'll get here; I just know it):  What exactly keeps you awake?  A song that won't leave your mind?  Worrying about the state of your finances?  Those pointless little thoughts that just won't shut up?  A snoring bed-partner?  Instant nightmares?  


There are so many things that keep me awake, it's as though they're taking turns.  I also wonder who else out there is grateful for what they've taken to be a bit of sleep, only to look at the clock and find three minutes have passed.  Have you ever counted down the moments you have left to lie awake in bed before you've got to get up and be functional for work/school/your kids?  Have you ever "accidentally" nudged/coughed your partner awake because you've been staring at the ceiling for hours and you're feeling lonely?


I have listened to many audiobooks in an attempt to drift off, because in general, my taste in music isn't exactly soothing.  When I was a kid, I fell asleep to recordings of "Lights Out", "Inner Sanctum", "The Shadow", "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" and dozens of other absolutely wonderful radio broadcasts from my father's childhood.  As a child, that worked just fine.  I could replay the episode the next day and catch up on what I'd missed.  


However, as an adult (and former writer), audiobooks just don't do it.  I've listened to the entire unabridged Harry Potter series (snigger if you will) dozens of times, and that's sort of the problem.  I've gone beyond the point of enjoying Rowling's storytelling ability (her strong suit) and, depending on which version I've chosen, Jim Dale's characterizations and generally skillful performances.  At this point, I could probably write a book about all the subplots, hidden messages, life stories of the lesser characters, as well as wincing every time I hear the single incident where reader Jim Dale mispronounces "apoplectic."*  Now, that sort of thought process, even to me, seems a bit...crazy.
* No, I will NOT tell you when he mispronounces it.  My obsession is bad enough!


Yes, I have tried white noise machines.  I can generally hear precisely where the cycle ends, and my yappy little brain anticipates the moment and will not let me relax.  To make matters worse, I can't simply have silence.  My mild tinnitus is irritating enough, but my husband's catastrophic case of the same makes a quiet room downright painful for him.  You can read his story, which he'll tell at his own pace (and  probably in a much more organized manner than my ramblings) over on beat-tinnitus.blogspot.com.


As always, feel free to submit your comments below.


Good health to you and your families, and until next time, I am:
InsomniAmy


Though this blog will be updated regularly, you can find me elsewhere:
@InsomniAmy on Twitter; Insomni Amy on Facebook; InsomniAmy on G+; private questions can be directed to InsomniAmy@gmail.com (please be patient while waiting for a personal reply, though!)