Horrible Nightmarish Insomnia for nights and nights

Unfortunately, those who read (or just stop by), I've been having an incredibly difficult time getting real sleep over the past few days.  Now, this isn't anything particularly new--I mean, I AM more or less a lifelong insomniac--but the few minutes I've managed to grab during the socially appropriate hours have been more like delusions, raging out of control and leaving me unrested and thoroughly, well, frightened.

This is not helping my depression.  The audiobooks that I listen to (I've always needed some sort of sound to help me sleep) are bleeding into my subconscious and messing with my tenuous hold on dream-sleep.  I am very much looking forward to getting my own Sleepsonic pillow and the sleep CDs from Hemi-Sync, because I know they help my husband and, having tried his, do believe they will help me.  But for now, night time is the right time...for self-inflicted subconscious torture.

Most of you don't know me well, but I have one hell of a lot going on in my life right now.  A few of you know that I'm relocating (hallelujah) out of the Bible Belt and back to the Northeast, not quite where I was born, but close to where I spent my first 27 years of life.  My last going-on-fifteen years here have not been without their charms, but there are too many tragic events and lost loved ones haunting me here, and not...well, not much of a support group.  I've always been "different;" I've known that since elementary school, and it stands out a bit more down here than it does in a more metropolitan area.

So:  I try to focus on the good things.  One of my many dogs has far outlived our expectations and doesn't show any signs of slowing down.  My mind is functioning (albeit sporadically) better than it has in years.  We are making slow progress (y'know, when you do have actual physical and psychological disabilities, it DOES affect your ability to work) getting ready to leave, but any progress is good at this point.  I'm hoping to be up North by the (love-hate) Xmas season, simply because I do not want to be a resident here for 2012.  

It isn't really anything in particular against the state, nor the people, because if you travel enough, people are more or less the same wherever you go, if you're really paying attention.  But I'm tired of not having family.  I miss my best friend, who loves me despite all our years apart and all the times I was not physically able to be there for her.  Above all, I want to spend time with my parents, because time is a big loud ticking clock in my head, counting down the moments to when I will no longer be able to run across the street or pick up the phone and speak with the people I love and who love me unconditionally.  I keep a tight circle, and it shrinks every year.  I don't make friends easily.  I am not easy to love.  I have my good points, but who the hell wants to hear me talk about why I'm cool?  Ultimately, I have let myself down throughout life, and I am spending the rest of it (have been for a while now) trying to make up for all the evil I have done.  Funny, you'd think I'd be religious, and searching for some kind of penitence, but it has nothing to do with that.  I have a very strong internal sense of what is right and what is wrong, and I never (honestly) forgive myself for making the wrong choices.

I know this has been an odd entry, but as I prefaced it, I haven't been sleeping worth a damn.  That invariably makes me more self-reflective and, yeah, mean to myself.  I'm not a real peach to live with, either.  But at least I try to make up for those little slips.

I do know that I owe some people posts/emails, and I will catch up this week.  I simply want to wait until I can give useful and objective answers, and not so much of the loony-bin rambling you might've just finished reading.

Things have to get better.  They just have to.

Wishing good health to you and your families (as always),

InsomniAmy

post-script:  I'd like to thank those of you who have followed the link to my husband's blog.  He is an absolutely lovely person and much much nicer than I am.   Better than I deserve, really, but somehow he wanted me anyway.  He is my rock.